I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
