ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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