You smell like a Billy Joel song
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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