What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
