Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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