operation harelip BJ is a go
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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