Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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