I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
