Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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