then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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