I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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