I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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