I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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