Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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