I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
