He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
