Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
