I am in a vortex of obligation.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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