I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
