Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
