i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Who died my cat blue again?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
