Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
