there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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