Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
