Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Randomize
