I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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