I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
