i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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