This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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