Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
