Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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