clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Mom said you looked used
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...