I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
