We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
