it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
