That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
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