I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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