i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
