You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
We left the knife in your bed.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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