So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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