fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
