Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
