i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
