Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
