don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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