I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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