Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
