He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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