If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
