He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
