operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
