i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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