Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
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I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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