I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
