I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
