Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
