I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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