Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
