last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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