Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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