I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
