when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
The struggles of a small town man whore
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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