he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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