I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
